I’ve never been too good with confronting people for anything, really. I’ve always been kind of a coward. I don’t like speaking out about issues, because I don’t want to cause problems for myself or make other people mad. But even without confronting things, I still feel like I make things worse.
Today, I think I made someone mad at me. I… don’t like this person. I feel obligated to hang out with them because I don’t want them to be mad at me and we’ve been friends for a while. But I don’t like being with him because while he’s not a perfect person, nobody is, he can be kind of… problematic sometimes. He has lots of drama with other people, and that’s not my problem, but I just don’t agree with him and his ways. Not to mention, it… doesn’t feel like he takes me seriously. If I ever actually want to do something, like show him a song I like, or show him a video, he just pushes me off. I think that’s on me though, since I’ve always been a somewhat chaotic jokester of a person. I guess it’s my facade to make people notice me, or something, and because of that, no one takes me seriously. But today, I didn’t feel like talking to him. I wanted to tell him why. But I didn’t. I said nothing to him. We were sitting at lunch and I gave him the cold shoulder when he came. I said nothing. He said nothing. Before lunch ended, he left, shoving the chair into the table and walking out. I don’t want to make him mad. I don’t want to make anyone mad. But my coldness and inability to speak out also helps nothing.
It’s not even just other people it hurts. It hurts me too. There is a girl that I wanted to talk to. We’ve been friends for a while, had some drama here and there, but we’ve been on good terms for a while now. I want to keep things going. I want to talk to her. But she’s always so busy. I can’t blame her for being busy, but I don’t understand how she doesn’t respond to me for 2 whole weeks. I don’t even care about having a full conversation, I just want to hear from her again, but somehow she can’t give up 5 minutes out of any of her days to talk to me, even though it’s clear that it’s not like she’s busy all the time. It’s not like she hates me either… I think. She seems to care about me somewhat. Or at least, she did. My point is I’m doing my best to keep things going and she’s doing… nothing. I wanted to bring this up with her, and I have before. Several times. Last time I did, I was kind of immature about it, I didn’t like the way I brought it up. And when she talked about it, I just… caved in. I gave up and decided to blame it all on myself. It wasn’t her fault that she isn’t on and never talks to me and I’m upset, it’s because I’m selfish and she has SOOOO MUCH TO DO ALLLL THE TIME. IT’S MY FAULT FOR BRINGING IT UP ALL THE TIME, NOT HERS FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING TO KEEP THINGS GOING.
Why do I keep blaming myself for this?
Why do I cave in whenever there’s the slightest risk of upsetting people?
Why can’t I just speak my thoughts with no hesitation?
Why do people have to be so hard to deal with?
I’m tired of people honestly. I’m tired of friends. Not all of them, of course. But right now, I don’t like how things are for myself. For the people I like. The people I talk to. I’m just sick of having to deal with the frustration of keeping things in. Maybe it’s not my fault for people having problems. But it is my fault for keeping my mouth shut.