The title is a lie. I don’t, in fact, want to kill myself. I’m sorry for decieving you in such a horrible way. I just made that the title so that I could grab your attention.
Attention. Something that I want so badly, but seem to never be able to get. I don’t really feel like I get the attention that frankly, and I don’t care if this sounds pretentious or not, I feel like I deserve from my friends. The only reason people will talk to me is if they find it convenient to, when my interests conform to theirs. It doesn’t matter what I care. And usually, this is fine to a certain extent when it comes to what I like. A decent amount of things I like do fall into those categories. But the things I truly like… well, sometimes, I feel like I’m the only person in the world who cares. No one actually wants to put in the effort to try to care about MY interests. Not the interests we happen to share. MY own interests. I feel like I live in a vaccumm in the world, and the only place I can really be myself or talk like myself is in my head. I always need the feel to put a filter in the external world, and not just one, but many. I put so much effort into at least trying to care about others interests, or conforming to their likes so that I can try to make them happy, but no one has considered the same for me.
Am I an attention seeker? YES. Do I deserve attention? YES. I believe everyone does. So why can’t I get my own attention the way I want it?
…I always hated when people push for individuality. I love the concept of being an individual and liking yourself for who you are. But whether we like it or not, we are social creatures. So when my interests or personality get in the way of me being able to interact, it’s an issue. Individuality does not matter in reality. People will not talk to you because you like something new or unique. They talk to you for a common interest. If there’s something in common, it makes things easier for them. No one wants to put the effort into something new or odd. People only like what’s comfortable for them. If you’re not into contemporary trends, most people will not care about you because it takes more effort to care. And that’s the problem I feel like I have.
It’s not like I don’t have friends at all, I do. I think I’ve only ever had one friend that I could both share my interests with and ACTUALLY care about them to a level, and they barely even talk to me anymore. So in the end, I have… no one.
Was that why I wanted to make this website? To pour and release my individuality onto a canvas where I couldn’t anywhere else? To get attention by having bragging points for having a website? Or maybe to talk to myself, the only person who will listen to me as I truly am?
You know, I don’t even know what I’m going on about. Am I even typing this for myself? Clearly not, because I went through the effort of making such an attention-seeking title. People might get mad at me, or scared for me (if their fear is even genuine and not superficial). In the end, me typing this out is like typing out into the void. Only one, maybe two people will read this. And maybe those people will care suddenly after I bring it up. But to me, it doesn’t matter, because for all I know, they only care so that I’ll shut up and stop being a whiny bitch.
Am I a hypocrite?
I mean, I am guilty of the same thing too. I don’t want to pretend I’m not. I have people that I know I ignore because it’s hard for me to like what they like. Maybe the reasoning I gave is… justifiable. But the people I think about also have others who share their interests too. I do not. So does that still make me in the wrong? The people I think about, I don’t think in the individual sense, I think of them as groups of people. People with their own niche interets and hobbies. What does that make me then?
My head hurts. I will stop writing. I feel bad for the title, but I will keep it there. Perhaps then people will pay attention to my writing more.
…I am a horrible and difficult person. I have no hesitation in admitting that. But no, I don’t want to kill myself. I’m just angry at the world and myself right now. I’m going to sleep.