A girlfriend or a cat would fix me

August 25, 2024

Content Warning: sex

Wanted to write about this, since I had been thinking about it for a while, but didn’t really deem it as “video netlog” material.

I feel kinda lonely honestly. I guess that’s not really an unusual thing nowadays, they do say we have a loneliness epidemic after all, but I’m not talking about like having no friends or anything like that. I DO have friends, but it’s not quite enough for me, I want more. I guess I desire intimacy is the best way to say it. And in that case, being in a relationship is the best way to do that. But getting into one is tricky, at least for me in particular.

Truthfully, I don’t think I should be worrying much, since I do start college in like a month or so, but I still have this FOMO sensation, like I should be acting NOW, because well, I’m still young, and I haven’t really had the experience of “young love”. But besides that, I just want to be cared for on a deeper level by SOMEONE, I guess. I suppose I could argue that my friends and my family care for me, and I certainly don’t want to dismiss that. In fact, I honestly should be falling back on that instead of trying to aim for higher and not being satisfied with what I have, but here I am, writing this. I want to care deeply for someone, to love them unconditionally, and for someone to reciprocate those feelings towards me. I’m not satisfied with what I have now and I just feel kinda aimless. I talk to people, but, I don’t know… it feels like there’s a barrier between me and others. I have people that I don’t hold a barrier towards, but they hold their own towards me, if that even makes any sense. I think I just need to get laid, dude, like seriously.

So am I just writing this partially because I’m expressing both emotional and sexual frustration? Yeah, I mean, basically, although maybe less sexual and more emotional, because I have also been thinking alongside this that, man I really want a cat.

It might seem like a decently separate and unrelated idea, wanting to get a cat versus wanting to be in a relationship and fuck someone to feel whole, and those two ARE separate ideas, but the emotional side of it isn’t.

I’ve been watching a select few channels on YouTube over the past couple of years documenting the lives of cats living with the channel owner. The videos typically aren’t much, just the cats playing or doing random things. But I’ve found myself constantly coming back to them and being drawn in to every new video. Why? Because I like cats a lot, but also I feel like they might fill that same emotional hole that I feel like I have.

I couldn’t really give an explicit and concise reason as to why I think so. I think maybe it’s the fact that it’s a physical tangible being that I can interact with that depends on me to live, and I depend on it for it just… being there. I want to pet a cat, I want to hold a cat, I want to touch a physical being, whether it’s petting a cat or having sex with someone, I think touch is a big part of it. With the dependency, you could argue that the cat doesn’t really have any sort of emotional care for me, it simply sticks with me because it depends on me for food and care, but I think even then there is no barrier between me and the cat, I have nothing to hide to it, and the cat isn’t human, so what does it have to hide from me?

I think what it comes down to in the end, that both of these things have in common, is that I wouldn’t have to hold myself back in any sort of way, I want to be able to be… me, whether it’s towards a person who I love, or even just a cat. That, and I want to hold someone, or be held. I want to love.

I’m writing this at like 12pm so this writing might be incohesive, but I don’t think I will regret writing this in the morning, I have been thinking about getting this off my chest in a post for a while, and if it wasn’t a post, to someone I could talk to about it, but I also thought to myself the role that this website plays. This is supposed to be MY spot, where I can be me, without any censorship or anyone watching over me. I am my own master here, so why should I hold myself back? Sure, other people can read this site, but I want other people to know ME, and who I am. Perhaps I shouldn’t advertise this site much towards other people, and especially not like if I’m trying to get hired (which is a damn shame since this website looks pretty and I put a lot of work into it!), but again, I advertise it anyways because of my conflict of interests (see Video Netlog 11 and Video Netlog 11.5).

Thanks for reading.